The next few weeks I decided to share something a bit different. I hope you do not mind. Mantras will be back in full force after because I am always being inspired by the world that surrounds me and I do believe we need mantras to keep us positive and focused. But, I wanted to share something a bit more personal. As you know, I finally escaped the house after being home since March. So, I wanted to share why I felt I needed the escape so badly as well as how I chose where we went, some insider tips/thoughts on traveling during COVID and also what I loved about the Island of Vieques, which is where we escaped to. I hope you find this information useful in some way. I am a true believer that we can always learn from each other.
So, here we go…This was definitely the most challenging to write and the most personal.
I know (and, I know) that it may seem crazy to get on a plane and travel, but I knew I needed to get away and needed to get away ASAP. I was falling pretty heavy into and out of deep deep bouts of sadness that I couldn’t control. I was crying a lot and couldn’t seem to control it. It was in the middle of the night, the morning, while we were eating… Poor Josh and Zeek!! And, it was for all sorts of reasons: covid and it’s impact, my business, our political leadership (or, lack there of), black lives matter, missing friends and family….You name it and I probably cried about it. I didn’t want to see many people (in person or virtually), because it’s just too hard to talk about it and too uncomfortable to not have anything positive to say. And, for the few people who have seen me in person or virtually, thank you for your patience, love and kindness. Teaching was also becoming harder and harder no matter how much I smiled my way through it. I like to think of myself as an optimist and this year really hindered that thought process.
In the beginning of 2020, I tried my best to stay positive because, in my mind, it would end and it would end soon, right?!? As the year moved on and I needed to postpone or cancel more than I scheduled, I felt completely defeated. I would start my mornings feeling panicked before the day even begun. I was having panic attacks while drinking coffee. Often, I did not feel like anything was triggering it, but so much was constantly running through my mind.
My business has been my baby. I’ve worked extremely hard for 13 years to get my business were it is and 2020 flipped a lot of that upside down and paused my progress. It was becoming too hard to be home everyday, where I typically love to work, because all of sudden I was struggling to see the next steps. And, if you know me well enough, you know that I am always planning the next move, the next adventure, the next….
I know this is a pause, but this pause started to consume my being. I needed time out of the house and away from the computer. I needed warm salty air. I needed to catch up from my lack of sleep. I needed to forget for just a moment what was going on. I needed to feel completely disconnected from home and from the world. So, the need for an escape was evident, but that was the easy part, choosing where, when and how was the difficult part.
And, I cry as I type all these words. And, yes, I’m extremely grateful for my ability to be able to travel, my health and the future, but that doesn’t mean sometimes things hurt really bad. So, no, travel didn’t cure everything, but it sure felt great to laugh, smile effortlessly, explore and stop focusing just for a bit. But, I mean really, let’s get real, Zeek also needed to get away. He was tired of chasing the same squirrels day after day. Yes, I still have a sense of humor. Covid can’t mess everything up.
But in all seriousness, I write these words so that maybe you can understand a side of me that you may not have known. But, I also write these words to let you know that if you are struggling right now, that you are not the only one. We are all coping differently. And, we are allowed to be sad even if others are struggling or if they are not. We are allowed to be who we are today, even if it is not who we were yesterday. I am struggling to find the person I was and I am not sure I will ever be that person again, but I did see glimpses of that person when I was traveling, which sure felt great.
So, maybe you cannot jump on a plane to escape, but maybe you can plan a road trip, a weekend away, or simply turn off the computer and social media for a few days. Whatever you can do, try to escape for just a bit. I do believe it does wonders for the soul.
Oh, I promise next week will be much more upbeat! I will be writing about the planning process and why we chose Vieques!
With love and gratitude,
XO – L